The dreams are getting worse. Last nights had me wake up in a panic. Kevin and I were exploring this huge, I mean larger than life house. I felt like a borrower in it, size-wise. But everything was the right height for us. Just ginormous staircases and ceilings and windows. It took so long to walk anywhere. Anyway, the part that I remember the most is that we were lost. We were walking around lost. We had come to this room that felt like a level in a video game. We were jumping around like we were playing a level in dokey kong. Kevin jumped down a level in this cement room and I knew as soon as he jumped, he wasn’t going far enough. I screamed. He hit his head smack against the slab of concrete and slid down to the hard floor, his dark red brains lying on the shelf. I knew he was dead and I fell instantly into hysteria. I wanted to put him all back together and make him fine and I couldn’t he was gone. I laid over him and wept. I wept so hard. I remember screaming.

I woke up in a jolt and rolled over and hugged him tight. I’m pretty sure I said something to him. I was so scared and relieved but I couldn’t get that relief through my head that he was actually okay.

I hope it doesn’t come back tonight. Im not at Kevin’s so I can’t roll over and be assured that he’s fine.

I’ve just recently realized after my last therapy appointment, I feel the need to be validated. I feel the need for recognition when I do something well. I start feeling wore out.

With Kevin. Feel better.

Though, to be fair, I was warned life and love weren’t fair.

Why are you allowed to be into me when YOU want to, but when I want to be, I get mocked?

Yesterday was a really blue and frazzling day for me. I had a constant panic attack for like, 4 hrs. I wanted you near me cause you make me feel better. You help me feel calm. But I tried to be strong without you. I wanted you to do what you needed to do. I wanted to be independent.

Today, I’m feeling the void. I’m sorry.

I hate it. Things are going well and my brain has to ruin it. I start doubting. I make things worse than what they are. I compare myself to others.

Why me? I feel like such a complicated and difficult person after her. But then I’m being mean and doubting you.

You pursued her. I pursued you. I think that’s where my doubts come from as well.

so sad. don’t even know why. i have no motivation to do anything. and it’s not just i have no motivation for school, i have no motivation to do anything fun either. i don’t really want to sleep, i just don’t want to be awake. 

No place belongs to me anymore. I want a room no one will bother me. I want to crawl into bed and cuddle with a cat. Or Moses. Or Kevin. But I kinda want to be alone. And I want no one to come knocking on my door. And I just want to lay there and watch Big Bang Theory. I don’t know if I would even sleep.

I went to mom’s tonight after work. Paul and I were going to sit in her living room and talk. She told me I always had a room there. I open the door and kent is sleeping on the couch. Kenyan is asleep in my bed.

I always have a room there.

Dads is even worse. It feels so empty. The sounds are strange. I’m so tired, and I can’t sleep.

I hate it here.

Every time I feel I’m making progress, something else happens and makes me feel just like before.

i hate when i’m trying to tell you something that’s important to me, and you say it’s stupid or just when your A.D.D kicks in and i can’t finish my thought. it’s really aggravating.

i don’t think there’s anything wrong with waiting until you’re married to have sex with someone. i think it shows character and strength and that you can rise above less and be more. 

but that’s just me. it’s whatever. my opinion isn’t important. i’m pretty sure our opinions of what marriage and life and relationships are all about are totally opposite.